Is it just me or do you want to punch some U2 fans in their cockatoo too? You know the ones, the insufferable bastards that know everything U2 from Bono’s shoe size to how much Rogaine The Edge uses. For some reason, these intellectual
tortoises have a compulsive need to share this minutia with the world, even though 99 % of us don’t give a flying f*ck. Stalkers by nature, their every
waking moment is spent trolling Facebook pages and lurking through garbage cans for anything to feed their need to know U2 addiction. Obsession? Calvin Klein wishes he had this type of Obsession. Are you certain one of these nuts hasn’t visited Adam’s ex-maid in the slammer to find out what color underwear Adam prefers? While tailgating at their 700th U2 gig in a row, they usually travel in packs, from car to car, to tell you the story behind the story of every U2 song. A faded Boy concert tee-shirt with holes and yellow pit stains are always dead giveaways to these freaks of nature. If you ever get cornered by two of these cretins, suicide is an option, but only as a last resort.
I’ve been a fan of U2’s from the beginning, I just don’t feel the need to share that
information with every person I know; wait, what? There are times when I want to delve deeper into the lyrics, make the Biblical connections and reflect upon my life as I look up at the window in the skies while simultaneously contemplating jumping out of it head first, I just don’t want to do that 24/7. Sometimes I want to get it wrong and just groove to her Mysterious Ways after a 12 pack & regret it tomorrow. Do these shut-ins truly think we care what color of
tack Larry used to hang up the note on the bulletin board? No, I don’t know what Larry’s mother was cooking at their 1st practice, either. If you ever find
yourself trapped in a car with one of these U2 nuts, these are your options: if
you’re driving, a head on crash with an 18 wheeler. If a passenger, open, tuck
and roll. The 6 to 8 months in traction will be worth it. Still, the “Bono”fide
crazies wonder why they are still alone at age 45, when their 1st words to the
opposite sex are usually; “Would you like to see my mint-condition, framed,
Vol.1 Issue 1 of Propaganda?” There is no shame in feigning ignorance or some
form of learning disability when approached by these blowhards. On more than one occasion when approached by a “U2 know it all,” I’ve said; “Who’s U2?” and
jumped up & down as if I were chasing a butterfly all the while drooling on
myself. Soiling yourself is a messy option but may be necessary as well -
desperate times call for desperate measures. Try not to let these bastards grind
you down. Be proud to be a U2 fan, just keep it to yourself. The rest of the
world truly does not care.
Its funny, but I still tend to think of All That You Can’t Leave Behind as “new”, even though it’ll celebrate its 14th anniversary this year. I still remember that, back before that album came out, “Beautiful Day” was being played on the radio, and it was getting plenty of love – rightfully so – but the other song that the band were making a big deal of was “Stuck in a Moment”, so of course, it was the song that I was most excited to hear as I was riding home from the midnight release at which I’d purchased my copy of the record. As soon as I got home, I sat down on the floor in front of my stereo system, popped the CD in, and pressed play. I already knew that I loved Beautiful Day, so I was tempted to skip it, but I was patient, and I wanted to hear the album in its entirety on my first listen, so even though my dearest desire was to get to the stuff I hadn’t heard yet, I dutifully let the opening track play, before at last arriving at the long awaited “Stuck in a Moment”. Of course, I loved “Stuck…”, but I didn’t find it to be their best song since “With or Without You”, which was how Brian Eno had been referring to it in interviews. I was mildly disappointed, due more to the hyperbole that had preceded the album than any fault in the song itself, but still – I was hoping for something more. I let the disc continue to play, and as soon as the next track began, I knew that this – this “Elevation” – was just what I was looking for. Aggressive, loose and funky, with a sly little lyrical wink to reggae music and an ecstatic “Woo-Hoo!” chorus that reminded me of nothing so much as the “joyful noise” that the Bible talks about. I confess that I was head-over-heels in love with this song, nevermind the fact that the some of lyrics are a little on the simple side – “a mole, digging in a hole” and so on.
If you listen to a lot of rock music, you start to realize after a while that most bass players don’t have a personality. Maybe I should say instead that their playing lacks personality, as the norm for rock music seems to be for the bass to simply follow along with the guitar melody like an obedient little puppy. That couldn’t be further from the truth when we’re discussing U2. Its hard to imagine the ever-original Adam Clayton walking in anyone else’s footsteps. I think that Adam has always been a little bit of a “weirdo”, marching to a beat that only he could hear, and I expect that a lot of his showy, extroverted behavior has been an attempt to cover up the fact that he’s often felt like a bit of a “Stranger in a Strange Land.” Like a lot of us, I think that Adam talks a good game, puts up a good front, but that deep down he’s afraid that he might be exposed as being completely full of crap. Of course, anyone who’s paying even a little bit of attention can see that Adam’s a deep, thoughtful, soulful man who enjoys learning about other cultures and is anything but “full of crap.” From “New Year’s Day” through “Mysterious Ways” and on to “Get on Your Boots”, Adam’s playing has added a sexy playfulness to U2′s music that most rock bands can only dream about. There’s a naughty little character that resides in every note that Adam plays, like the Pilsbury Doughboy, selling those fat buttered rolls that are simply too good to go down without that little bit of guilt we’ve been taught to feel anytime something tastes or feels that good. I could easily say that I love U2 because their music is textured and interesting and organic, but I think it might be better to just say that, in addition to everything else, I love U2 because of Adam.
Studies say that a U2 sin is committed every 3.33 seconds worldwide. Go into the
week cleansed and confess your most outrageous, hysterical, funny U2 sinful
ways here at U2radio.com’s U2 Confessional. Remember, what happens in the confessional box, does not stay faraway or so close!
Mine: I was listening to “Even Better than the Real Thing” while going through a drive thru the other day, and after placing my order, I had to wait in front of the call box while the cars in front of me received their orders. Not knowing the
call box was still on, I continued my horrific singing at the top of my lungs.
So locked into the song, I didn’t even ask why the girl was laughing when I paid
for my order. It wasn’t until I got home that I realized one of the employees
wrote: “Your singing is not better than the real thing.” on my coffee cup.
Laughing so hard, coffee spewed out of my mouth onto my 7 year old’s artwork
from school. Embarrassed, I told him I accidentally spilled coffee on it. He
bought it. I feel shame!
Now it’s your turn. Leave a comment about your funniest, craziest, saddest, most hysterical U2 sinful ways and feel cleansed.