Bono’s Marital Advice For The U2 Fan!

cupofjoe

Will you be back, tomorrow? A look of disappointment flickers across my wife’s face every time I say yes to that question. Tomorrow, August 21st, Bono & Ali will be celebrating their thirty-second wedding anniversary, and I for one am disgusted. The last thing I need is an annual reminder that in yet another category, Bono’s life is a gazillion times better than mine.  Can he do no wrong? The answer is NO! Imagine the songs that would come pouring out of Bono’s broken heart if he screwed this up. Magical times infinity. Forget about vision over visibility, how about pain over pleasure?

Thirty two years with the same person is an incredible achievement. I’ve been with myself now for forty seven years and can’t stand myself most of the time. The only thing higher than the mortality rate of malaria that Bono has been fighting against for a quarter century is the divorce rate, yet he somehow keeps it all together. Having a bazillion dollars, partying with A-list celebrities, and jet-setting around the world helps, but there has to be more, because for most of us, All I want is you (is usually followed up with) to leave me alone!  What is the trick to 32 years of marital bliss? I broke it down into U2 language so that every guy can benefit.  So guys, listen up and take notes. Ladies, share this on Facebook or retweet it to the man in your life, and maybe in between watching the game and not doing any housework whatsoever, he’ll read this so U2 can be just like Bono & Ali.  ;)

1.     The Fly should be listened to, yours should never be down coming out of the bathroom and for once in your miserable life, wash your hands.

2.    Don’t forget birthdays or anniversaries, but you will because you’re a guy and you’re stupid.  When confronted say “I still haven’t found what I’m looking for” and run out and buy her a diamond on a ring of gold.  Remember happy wife, happy life.

3.    Try to stay awake until 11 o’clock tick tock instead of falling asleep at 7:30 on the couch with popcorn kernels everywhere but your mouth. Hold her hand and offer her the remote, and youll be halfway home.

4.    Staring at the sun will be a thousand times less painful than having your lady catching you checking out another girl. Leave this advanced move to the experts. You’re no expert.

5.    Leave the “It’s all because of you” routine in your mouth next time your wife pisses you off.  More than likely it was your fault anyway.

6.    Take some Pride in your appearance. You wanting your wife to look like a Victoria Secret’s model, while you’re sporting a 46 inch waist with moobs makes no sense.

7.    Stop acting like One, Bad, Mofo when you’re at a party drinking with your wife. You’re embarrassing her and yourself. Unless you’re 17, nobody crushes empty beer cans on their forehead. Nobody.

8.    Stopping to get her a double whopper with cheese on your way home from work does nothing. Take her out to a nice restaurant in the city of blinding lights that is closest to you.  After all, she cleans your tightly whiteys that haven’t fit in five years. They don’t want you to spend a fortune, they just want you to be thinking of them. Am I right ladies?

9.    Guys, the ladies like to groove.  Forget about putting on your pit-stained bowling shirt and hitting the lanes. DISCOTHEQUE!  Show some effort on the dance floor and you’ll get the real 7-10 split later.  ;)

10.   Buy her a dress… HER SIZE, or even 1 size smaller and write her a love note saying, “If you wear that velvet dress tonight, a mystery ride will sweep you away tonight.”  *Hey Einstein, make sure it’s a velvet dress.

11.  The ground beneath her feet could you use a vacuuming or a mopping once in a while.  90% of the mess is probably yours anyways. Doing it without being asked will definitely get you bonus points.

12.  She’s not asking you to throw your arms around the world, but you could throw them around her once a day.  I’m not talking about the Heimlich maneuver either. Give her hug once a day.

13.  When love comes to town, don’t hop on that train for the 30 second kill.  Take your time, give her back rubs and massages, caress her body, and whisper sweet nothings to her.

14.   Hey blue eyed boy, leave your brown eyed girl a note saying she’s the Sweetest Thing, somewhere hidden in her lunch, glove box or desk at work.  All her coworkers that are married to slobs like you will be so jealous.

15.  Compliment her cooking. It doesn’t matter if it’s horrible, you don’t even know how to make ice, remember? If it weren’t for her, you’d be eating crumbs from the table and cat food.

Do these simple gestures and you’ll be one step closer to another year of marital bliss, like Bono and Ali.  How many of these do I do for my wife?  None, I’m a stupid guy remember?  ;)

Longtime fan. Sixth grade teacher, married and have a 7 year old boy who is also a huge fan...he didn't have a choice.

Home Forums Bono’s Martial Advice For The U2 Fan!

This topic contains 27 replies, has 6 voices, and was last updated by  Chris 2 months, 4 weeks ago.

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  • #11506

    joepit
    Moderator

    Will you be back, tomorrow? A look of disappointment flickers across my wife’s face every time I say “yes” to that question. Tomorrow, August 21st, Bo
    [See the full post at: Bono’s Martial Advice For The U2 Fan!]

    #11509

    Ana
    Participant

    Maybe Bono and Ali have talked to my grandparents, they have been married for 69 years. Sure my grandad does all the things you said, Joe, because they are as in love as the first day

    #11510

    Pam
    Participant

    Joe, it´s great that Bono and Ali will celebrate their thirty-second wedding anniversary tomorrow. Their marriage is really special, because they already got to know each other at school and went through all highs and lows together. You mentioned some great things guys should consider to keep their marriage intact. Brilliant and hilarious blog again! :)
    .
    Maybe guys should also listen to following advices:
    Prepare a breakfast on a beautiful Sunday morning. If you get on your feet to make some coffee before 9.00 o´clock tick tock try to walk quietly. Your wife has been working hard the whole week and needs much sleep now.
    .
    Never buy her a vacuum cleaner or electric iron as a birthday gift. That would make her feel the duty to work more. She would probably try to throw you through a window in the skies.
    .
    If you go for a beer with other guys don´t come home too late. Otherwise she would be concerned and still wide awake between the midnight and the dawning at 3:33.
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    If she cooks well show some interest in the ingredients and recipes. Offer her some help to prepare the greatest meal you have ever eaten.
    .
    Wear some proper clothes at home and leave your old sweat suit behind.
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    If your wife and you buy some new furniture that needs to be built together show an ability to work with hammer, nails and a drill. Don´t let inexpertness leave your hands bloody, black and blue. ;)

    #11511

    joepit
    Moderator

    Ana, what an accomplishment for your grandparents. Inspiration for us all. I’m sure your journey that begins next year will be just as successful.

    #11512

    joepit
    Moderator

    Pam, great additions as always. I’ve never made the vacuum cleaner mistake, thankfully.

    #11513

    Pam
    Participant

    Thank you, Joe!
    Ana, it´s wonderful that your grandparents have spent so many years together. I wish you much luck and happiness for your marriage.

    #11514

    Chris
    Participant

    I take none of this post serious…It’s just seriously funny !!!

    #11515

    joepit
    Moderator

    What? Chris, I speak the truth. ;)

    #11516

    Chris
    Participant

    Nobody owns the truth ! We’re just stuck in the mud with the illusion of getting out !

    #11517

    alma
    Participant

    “The last thing I need is an annual reminder that in yet another category, Bono’s life is a gazillion times better than mine.”
    .
    Bam! Hilarious. So true, though! :D

    #11519

    alma
    Participant

    Guys, just remember: if your wife is anything remotely like I was – very loving, sweet, kind, fun, great w/the kids whether as a loving stepmom or actual mom, helpful, great cook, interested in u if u know what I mean…sexy, playful, loyal, faithful, non-materialistic (not expecting expensive gifts), valuing family & the things that really matter in life, enjoying togetherness, uncomplainingly putting up w/ u (like the song says “she can take what I dish out & that’s not easy”), etc – then it’s NOT too much for her to simply ask you to have ‘relationship intelligence’ higher than that of a doorknob.
    .
    I don’t like to speak ill of my ex, & I wouldn’t have married the guy if there were nothing positive about him, but.. relationship intelligence? Sorry to say: D-O-O-R-K-N-O-B…
    .
    JOE: your blog puts you High on the IQ scale of relationship/emotional intelligence!! I’m happy for yr wife! And yr son also probably benefits from a happier mommy & daddy than a lot of poor kids get! :)

    #11520

    joepit
    Moderator

    Thank you Alma.

    #11526

    Leeny
    Participant

    I’m trying to imagine you and your wife holding hands on the couch. It’s a sweet image. :)
    .
    Tomorrow would have been 66 years of marriage for my parents. Every day they walked to Mass together holding hands. :)
    .
    I hope you and Mrs Joe are still holding hands 50 years from now.

    #11527

    joepit
    Moderator

    Walking to Mass hand in hand. Does it get any better? I think not.

    #11528

    Ana
    Participant

    Thanks Joe for the good advices, I would like to live marriage as they do. If you could see them, you’d see a couple of teenagers living their first love even they are in their nineties. And that’s so beautiful.

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