Will you be back, tomorrow? A look of disappointment flickers across my wife’s face every time I say “yes” to that question. Tomorrow, August 21st, Bono & Ali will be celebrating their thirty-second wedding anniversary, and I for one am disgusted. The last thing I need is an annual reminder that in yet another category, Bono’s life is a gazillion times better than mine. Can he do no wrong? The answer is NO! Imagine the songs that would come pouring out of Bono’s broken heart if he screwed this up. Magical times infinity. Forget about vision over visibility, how about pain over pleasure?
Thirty two years with the same person is an incredible achievement. I’ve been with myself now for forty seven years and can’t stand myself most of the time. The only thing higher than the mortality rate of malaria that Bono has been fighting against for a quarter century is the divorce rate, yet he somehow keeps it all together. Having a bazillion dollars, partying with A-list celebrities, and jet-setting around the world helps, but there has to be more, because for most of us, All I want is you (is usually followed up with) to leave me alone! What is the trick to 32 years of marital bliss? I broke it down into U2 language so that every guy can benefit. So guys, listen up and take notes. Ladies, share this on Facebook or retweet it to the man in your life, and maybe in between watching the game and not doing any housework whatsoever, he’ll read this so U2 can be just like Bono & Ali.
1. The Fly should be listened to, yours should never be down coming out of the bathroom and for once in your miserable life, wash your hands.
2. Don’t forget birthdays or anniversaries, but you will because you’re a guy and you’re stupid. When confronted say “I still haven’t found what I’m looking for” and run out and buy her a diamond on a ring of gold. Remember happy wife, happy life.
3. Try to stay awake until 11 o’clock tick tock instead of falling asleep at 7:30 on the couch with popcorn kernels everywhere but your mouth. Hold her hand and offer her the remote, and you’ll be halfway home.
4. Staring at the sun will be a thousand times less painful than having your lady catching you checking out another girl. Leave this advanced move to the experts. You’re no expert.
5. Leave the “It’s all because of you” routine in your mouth next time your wife pisses you off. More than likely it was your fault anyway.
6. Take some Pride in your appearance. You wanting your wife to look like a Victoria Secret’s model, while you’re sporting a 46 inch waist with moobs makes no sense.
7. Stop acting like One, Bad, Mofo when you’re at a party drinking with your wife. You’re embarrassing her and yourself. Unless you’re 17, nobody crushes empty beer cans on their forehead. Nobody.
8. Stopping to get her a double whopper with cheese on your way home from work does nothing. Take her out to a nice restaurant in the city of blinding lights that is closest to you. After all, she cleans your tightly whiteys that haven’t fit in five years. They don’t want you to spend a fortune, they just want you to be thinking of them. Am I right ladies?
9. Guys, the ladies like to groove. Forget about putting on your pit-stained bowling shirt and hitting the lanes. DISCOTHEQUE! Show some effort on the dance floor and you’ll get the real 7-10 split later.
10. Buy her a dress… HER SIZE, or even 1 size smaller and write her a love note saying, “If you wear that velvet dress tonight, a mystery ride will sweep you away tonight.” *Hey Einstein, make sure it’s a velvet dress.
11. The ground beneath her feet could you use a vacuuming or a mopping once in a while. 90% of the mess is probably yours anyways. Doing it without being asked will definitely get you bonus points.
12. She’s not asking you to throw your arms around the world, but you could throw them around her once a day. I’m not talking about the Heimlich maneuver either. Give her hug once a day.
13. When love comes to town, don’t hop on that train for the 30 second kill. Take your time, give her back rubs and massages, caress her body, and whisper sweet nothings to her.
14. Hey blue eyed boy, leave your brown eyed girl a note saying she’s the Sweetest Thing, somewhere hidden in her lunch, glove box or desk at work. All her coworkers that are married to slobs like you will be so jealous.
15. Compliment her cooking. It doesn’t matter if it’s horrible, you don’t even know how to make ice, remember? If it weren’t for her, you’d be eating crumbs from the table and cat food.
Do these simple gestures and you’ll be one step closer to another year of marital bliss, like Bono and Ali. How many of these do I do for my wife? None, I’m a stupid guy remember?