The summer of Bono and the boys has begun in full earnest as southern France has taken center stage once again as the vacation spot for those who not only found what they’re looking for, but bought it. Soon, Bono will be spotted wearing his Fedora du jour with his mismatching shirt and pant ensemble as he strolls through France looking like Colonel Mustard from the board game, Clue.  In this case, when all of Bono’s outfit colors bleed into one, it’s best to let the outfit bleed out and let it die with dignity on your bedroom floor. I’m no fashion plate, but who wears jeans to the beach? This takes the right to be ridiculous to a brand new level. Bono may have won the DNA lottery, but if his genes are telling him that those jeans are beach wear, we may need to do some more DNA testing. Note to Bono, you’re in the south of France, not Mali. You don’t have to worry about scorpions, snakes or being attacked by a swarm of malaria ridden mosquitoes, so no need to cover up. You did enough covering up when you moved your millions to the Netherlands! (kidding) It’s this heat, it’s getting to me.

Then we have the inevitable annual “Let’s record random noises outside U2’s vacation compound, post them on Soundcloud and watch U2 nation go crazy” extravaganza.  You know Larry’s behind this, right? Got to be. I envision Larry blaring some random, chopped up outtake from the editing floor during the making of Boy, sitting on the rooftop of his villa, with a pair of binoculars in one hand, a Guinness in the other, laughing his ass off at the fans with their ears plastered to the brick wall, recording. I made better mixed tapes back in the 80’s off the radio with my father yelling at me to “turn that sh*t off” in the background than what’s been coming from the mixologists camped outside U2’s compound. If you’re camped outside U2’s compound this summer, use your phones for your Face Book updates and to call the employment office looking for leads. Your iPhone 4S sucks as a recording device. That last recording made Return of the Stingray Guitar sound like a Beethoven Overture.

Finally, what would be a U2 summer without one picture of Bono riding his bike. A woman needs a man, like Bono needs a bicycle. I applaud your desire to stay fit, but we don’t need another back injury. There’re plenty of ways people your age can exercise: gardening, taking naps, getting your cholesterol checked regularly…all much safer than doing your Tour de France impression. You want to ride a bike, I have a stationary one in my room that’s doubling as a clothes hanger that I can let you have.

Enjoy your time, boys, and get plenty of rest. We have a tour to prepare for, after which I will need a vacation that I probably won’t be able to afford because of your ticket prices. Irony!