Dear Mr. Grammy:

I hope all is well with your friend, Mr. Oscar, since last year’s surgery to remove his head from his ass for choosing “Let it Go,” a song for an animated picture, as opposed to our Ordinary Love, a lyrical masterpiece about one of the most influential historical figures of all time, but that’s the past…on to this year.

As you can see from this year’s nominees, there is not too much competition and therefore we know you will make up for his past indiscretions this year by giving us the Grammy for best rock album.

Ryan Adams? Please, he hasn’t had a hit since Summer of ’69. Emm, wait, is that the right Adams? It doesn’t really matter: Ryan, Brian or John Adams, none of them produced a product remotely as good as our Songs of Innocence.

Beck…LOSER. Enough said.

Tom Petty? Tom Petty deserves another heartbreaker for sounding like Dylan after smoking a joint. Give me a break with Tom Petty…a serviceable journeyman at best that should have stopped making music with American Girl…and that was back in ’77!

Black Keys? Who are the Black Keys? I thought this may have been a mistake and you meant the Black Eye Peas, but apparently there is a group called the Black Keys. Who knew? To be fair, I gave their album, Turn Blue a listen. I turned blue as I swallowed my own vomit after listening to it. Apparently, The Black Keys are a duo from Ohio. I understand the desire to get out of Ohio, but calling yourselves a rock group is embarrassing….even by Ohio standards. This duo will be playing high school proms in Dayton next year…fact.

As you can see, there is clearly only one choice and that choice is U2. Songs of Innocence is a masterpiece and is deserving of a Grammy, regardless of this so called competition. We expect you to do the right thing this year.

Yours Truly