Less than two weeks out from U2’s opening show in Vancouver and here’s what we know thus far:

U2 may or may not be rehearsing in Vancouver.

U2 may or may not be playing 1, 2 or 12 songs off of SOI.

Bono’s may or may not have the same hair color.

U2 may or may not be using an opening act.

To put it succinctly, we know jack sh*t about this opening tour. Do you feel loved? NO! I feel nothing but betrayed. Where are all the GA nuts that spend 3 days in line waiting for their show? I would think flying out to Vancouver to grab snippets for those of us who couldn’t care less where we stand on the floor, just to have Bono sweat on us, would be right up your ally? This lack of knowledge about the tour has my brain twisted like a pretzel. Right now, I feel like an eight year old all hopped up on sugar on Christmas morning. I can hardly contain myself. In this day of internet leaks, how is it we only have a few audio clips of what may or may not be U2 rehearsing. I need someone to scale the city walls of the Coliseum in Vancouver and get me some video and audio footage. I don’t want it…I NEED IT and I needed it yesterday. If God would send his angels, I’d tell them to fly their asses over to Vancouver and bring back a full report about what the hell is going on.

Did U2 have all their employees sign an affidavit stating that if any word about their upcoming tour gets out, they would have their tongues ripped out? The Pentagon needs to hire these people for our national security. Stealth times infinity. So much for, “They say a secret is something you tell one other person.” No one has told us, squat!

And another thing, will you please save all the bula, bula about wanting to be surprised and not following on line or knowing the set lists before they are played. Not only am I a child at heart, I’m a child every other way, too. You think I didn’t know every Christmas gift I received as a kid, weeks before Christmas? Please. Knowing the songs before hand takes nothing away from seeing U2 live. Here’s a spoiler alert: U2 will play, Where the Streets Have no Name at every concert. I hope I didn’t ruin that for everyone. In fact, knowing the set list beforehand totally enhances your experience. I want to know every song, every move, every coda before all concerts. I want to know when Bono will pontificate, so I can plan my beer runs. I want to know if U2 plans on playing Your Blue Room, Wild Honey or Get on Your Boots, so I can plan my bathroom breaks. Queen sang it best when they sang, “I want it all. I want it all and I want it now.”

Am I alone here? Do you want to know or not? TELL ME, NOW! See, I can’t control myself. 😉