Know Your Bonoisms, Part 21: Would Bono Do a Reality Show?

That’s a big NO. I read that he was asked that once and answered in the negative, but if you Google “Bono reality show” now, you’ll find nothing but a full page of Chaz Bono reality show stories. But trust me on this: He won’t do it. Regardless, it’s fun to imagine the potential titles and possible show premises:

“Being Bono” – In this groundbreaking season of unscripted television, we would watch our guy maintain the delicate balance between Bono the Lead Singer of U2 and Bono the Global Diplomat. In those moments when the band can’t avoid the cameras, Edge would be shown playing along loyally, Adam would be shown pleasantly nodding while wearing white, and Larry would be shown sneering – a lot. But looking great while doing it, of course.

“Bono’s House”– As the title implies, this never-to-materialize Bono reality show would be our window into the Hewson household. In the pilot, we’d see Bono making his morning coffee (which I imagine he drinks unsweetened with just a splash of cream), then watch him hang out with the young-uns for breakfast; when he leaves to drive them to school, we’ll get to find out if he still has that front gate around his property that says “Everything you know is wrong.” At this point, the voice of Ali interjects in my head, “Over my dead body” (if that’s something they say in Ireland). Next show…

“Be Bono’s Bestie” – In this competition reality show with a “Survivor” meets “The Apprentice” meets “Rock of Love” format, contestants would vie for the chance to accompany Bono in some professional capacity, like an assistant or a full-time sunglasses transporter (it could be like the keeper of the Stanley Cup; that’s really a full time job). In one challenge, the hopefuls would be asked to fashion a new product for RED using only three cords and the truth. In another, Edge would be called in to determine who was the worst guitar player, as this person will need to fill in for Bono on “Kite” and “Desire.” Before each elimination round, the Chris Harrison-like host will give Bono a pep talk that assures him he’s making the right choice – but in one agonizing scene leading up to the finale, Bono will rival Jason Mesnick’s grandiose sobbing fit on the balcony in “The Bachelor” season 13. In the end, he’ll choose me and we’ll do our own “After the Final Rose” post-show where I call all the other contestants bitches, because they totally are. That includes the guys.

Of course, Bono’s loyal fans would ensure that any of these shows would be a huge success – so all that’s left to do is convince the man to sign on. Maybe Guy Oseary could be just the right amount of persuasive.